It sounds awful right? Lying to my friends and not hanging out with them or allowing them come over, just so I could spend time with myself, and pretend to do some sober reflection when in actuality I was at home feeling sorry for myself, fussing about the things I hadn’t achieved instead of just enjoying life and be grateful to God for the things I have achieved. Really pathetic, but before you go screaming at me, take a deep breath and look at yourself, and tell me you have never indulged in self pity. Personally, I hate it when people feel sorry for me for any reason, I cry real easy, so one look of pity or some uncomfortable question and I just let the water works take over. Knowing that about myself, I try to stay calm and cool as ice and act like I can handle anything.
I remember the first time I had a glimpse of what depression could belike, it was not my personal experience, but a character in a novel I read as a teenager,WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE.(Not really sure who wrote it). It was a story of betrayal and I tried to see things from the perspective of the betrayed, alcoholic woman Katie, and even then as a kid I understood what Depression and Loneliness meant, so I wrote this poem for her:
I am drowning but i am not in water
I feel lost though i am at home
I cant seem to find my bearing
I can feel myself drifting in a cloudless sky
Just cant stop
It seems i am going to crash, into what?
I don’t even know
My mind is troubled
I have no one to bare my heart to
Just myself, i am all alone
I am drifting farther and farther
Away from everyone who cares
Or who doesn’t?
Everyone stares if i take a stroll
I know they all despise me
Or do they?
I am so confused
Head aching from too much thought
My eyes are puffy and swollen
My throat is sore
Just cant talk, i am lonesome
I know i am not a masochist
Neither am i a sadist
I am just a lonely person
Trying to saty drunk and drown in loneliness
I wish someone could understand me
Cos i don’t even understand myself
I wish there was someone
But i doubt if i can ever love again
cos i am drifting slowly
and i know it won’t be long
Before i surrender myself finally
To the void and abyss slowly engulfing me.
But the truth is this, feeling sorry for yourself is never a good idea, if there is a part of your life you are not happy with, why not do something about it instead of wallowing in self pity.I wrote this poem when I was 15 and till date it is one of my all time favourites, because writing it meant I had to be Katie at that point, and that was hard as a kid. If any of you ever read the novel, you will appreciate the poem even more, because it actually shows how self pity can lead to depression and before you know what, you are spinning out of control. I am no preacher, but I do know that the devil capitalises on our weaknesses, and that’s why we shouldn’t take those little bouts of depressing moment for granted. You should be an uncompromising optimist, put your head in the clouds sometimes, have faith, don’t let one dark cloud erase the memory of a clear blue sky, don’t let some present problems rob you of a future happiness.
I thought of this as soon as I woke up this morning and thought I should share, its a NEW DAY, and a wonderful way to start all over. Let go of the sad past and enjoy each day for what it is. And the next time you chose to feel sorry for yourself, DON'T!