Laffs

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery..
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen!" the patient replied.

*****************************
The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"

The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"



"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat

and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million

for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the

spanking

new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country

Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ...

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!”... Sniff, sniff

.."Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a

Protestant".

"Come here and give your old man a hug!"

*********************************
A man forgot to zip up. So a lady tells him “U left your GARAGE open.” The man gives her a naughty smile as he zips up and asks “Did u see my BLACK MERC parked inside?” The woman smiles back at him and says “No, just a MINI COOPER with 2 FLAT TYRES!!

***********************************
‎The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?
"With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he says "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is PPP - Put the Prisoner in Prison . And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work.

"And then they made heated passionate love for the first time.Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!

"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence. okay!

************************
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam?
A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only N150.
""Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. .... , a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un .........-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes” says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes, " complain thegirls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their newpet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Chuck, comes home and the Parrot squawks... "In in........-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.
How ya doin', chuck?

**************************
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' & take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!...ALL NIGHT LONG. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.' The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the fucking bed!'

*******************************
A pharmaceutical truck was robbed today, all of the Viagra was stolen, the police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals

*******************************
Laws newton forgot to tell us!!!
LAW OF BREAD:
When the buttered slice of bread falls it always fall on the buttered side.

LAW OF QUEUE:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

BATH THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold ....have a happy sunday!!!

**************************************
Application of the Decade

Dear Sir I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager. Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more. It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds. The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' license as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves. I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. And as for referees we won't be needing any,as d late manager was my referee.Boss Laughing at Businessman Asking for a Raise clipart

**********************************
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"Young Loves Talking on the Phone clipart

************************************

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... .'

******************************
Some New Definitions of Common Words For You To Ponder!

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Rumor : News that travels at the speed of sound.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Father : An Automatic Teller Machine provided by nature.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Optimist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

*********************************
‎‎Anita was in her late 30's and still not married, so she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed. A week after she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She rushed to D door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs."Can I help you?" Anita asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?" Anita asked. He replied,"How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
**************************

man calls a radio deejay and says, “I’ve found a Purse with a hundred thousand Naira,$400 and an ATM card with the 4 digit code written on a piece of paper inside. There’s also an ID card that says ‘Usman Dankande, 5 Bagudu Road, Kaduna.’. “So?” asks the deejay. “What do you want us to do?” Would you be so kind as to play the man a nice song by Kelly handsome...Maga don pay?

*********************************
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows: ....

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ..............."Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ?"

The program was never aired….

**************************************
Two rich men were talking over coffee at their country club one day, and one of them said to the other one,"Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Hold on let me show you."
And he called his driver over and said, "John, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which John replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he is stupid."


The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver and said, "David, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." David said, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. John said to David, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid? He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes...Doesn't he know that today is Sunday? The showroom is closed!" David replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He’s got a cell phone right there, why cant he just call home to check!Businessman Laughing at His Fellow Employee clipart

**************************************

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress N15000. Tux rental-N3000. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is N500 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoyreading it
Businessman Laughing at His Fellow Employee clipart
***********************

How are they gonna handle this situation? Read through.....
Boss said to secretary: For a week, we will go abroad, so make arrangements. Secretary makes a call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, so look after yourself.
Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.
Secret lover makes a call to a small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have to work for a week, so you need not come for classes.
Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have classes 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together.
Grandpa (the 1st boss) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting any longer. Secretary makes call to her husband: This week my boss has some work so we cancelled our trip. Husband makes a call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip. Secret lover makes a call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have classes as usual. Small boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't keep you company. Grandpa makes a call to his secretary don't worry, this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements. WAHALA DEY O !!!!!!
********************************

Modernization of Girls: (1970's): Love me, but dont touch me. (1980's): Touch me, but dont kiss me.. (1990's): Kiss me, but dont do anythng more. (2000s): Do evrythng, but dont tell any1. (2010): Do everythng, othrwise I will tell every1 dat U cant do anything. (n)

************************
‎A man from the village and his boy were visiting a mall in Lagos for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asked his father, "Papa wetin be dis?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "My pikin I neva see dis kind tin before for my life o."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The same walls opened up again and to his surprise, a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said "Akpos go village bring your mama come"

*************
Women are the best vehicles in the world because:
- 2 beautiful headlights in front,
- 2 great bumpers at the back,
- Self-lubricating when hot,
- Finger touch ignition,
- Automatic engine oil change every month,
- Any type of pistons fit,
- Multiple seating styles & adjustments,
- Great accessories,
- Highest mileage: 9 months wit just 5 ml refill.

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm
under a lot of stress. I keep losing my
temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
*************************
Blonde wants 2send a message 2her mother overseas. The man behind the counter told her it wud cost £300! 'I dont have £300, but id do ANYTHING, 2get a message 2my mother' 'ANYTHING!' said the man. 'YES! YES! anything' promised the blonde. 'Follow me' said the man 'Now get down on yr knees, pull down my zipper, now gently take out my penis' She reached in, & gently with both hands held his penis. The man closed his eyes & said 'well, go ahead!' The blonde slowly, brought her mouth closer 2his penis. While holding it close to her lips, she whispered... 'hello, CAN U HEAR ME MUM?'
***********************************

SAD STORY:A little boy was so jealous of his new born brother,so he rubbed poison on his mother's nipples while a sleep.The next day....their DRIVER died!

**************************
‎​‎​GrandMa & Pa were watchin healin service. Pastor told all who wanted 2 be healed 2 put 1 hand on d TV and d other hand on d bodypart dat wanted healin.Grandma slowly put 1 hand on d TV and d oda her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa 2got up, put 1 hand on d TV and d oda his private part.she looked @ him nd says...dear, "I guess u just dont get it do u?d purpose is 2 heal d sick! "NOT 2 raise d dead!
*************************************

A female teacher who all the class addresses as madam was havin a problem wit a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said "Madam, i shd be in 4th grade, i'm smarter than my sister and she's in 4th grade". The Madam(teacher) had heard enough of d complain and took d boy 2 d principal's office. She explained evryfng 2 d principal who decided 2 test d boy wit sum questns that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What is 3+3
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6
Boy: 12
And so on,the principal asked d boy all questns and d boy got them right.The principal then told d Madam 2 send d boy to 4th grade. Madam decided 2 ask her questns and d principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of,that i've only 2 of
Boy: Legs
Madam: What is in ur pants that you've but i dnt have
Boy: pockets
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends wit T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid
Boy: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky
The principal's eyes open really wide,bt b4 he could stop d answer, the boy was takin charge
Boy: Bubble gum
Madam: You stick ur poles inside me. You tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do
Boy: Tent
The principal was lookin restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle wit me wen u're bored. The best man always has me 1st
Boy: Weddin ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. Wen i'm nt well, i drip. Wen u blow me,you feel gud
Boy: Nose
Madam: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come wit a quiver
Boy: Arrow
Madam: What starts wit 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if u dnt get it, u've 2 use ur hand
Boy: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men ve,it's longer in sum men than others,the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage
Boy: surname
Madam: What part of d man has no bone but has muscles wit a lot of veins like pumpin and is responsible 4 makin luv
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said 2 d Madam 'Send the boy 2 the University,I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
**************************

Hi honey,this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?" a voice on the other end answer
"No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." The little girl quipped.
"After a brief pause daddy says "but honey you haven't got an uncle Paul!"
"Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now."

Brief pause "uh okay then, this is what I want you to do: “Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy's car has just arrived at the gate.""Ok daddy just a minute…"

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, "done it daddy.""What happened honey?"

"Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all."

"What about Uncle Paul?" asked Dad."He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he's dead."

Really long pause this time…

Daddy says, "swimming pool, but we don’t have a swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?"

"No, this is 486-5713."

Sorry, wrong number... !!!

******************

Joyce: Jimmy babe, now that we are engaged, I think we should start calling each other pet names, sweet names.

James: (uninterested) alright babe. So what do you wanna call me?

Joyce: I think I will call you tiger

James: Why tiger babe?

Joyce: (sexy tone) because you're charming, handsome, smart and calculating. And you Jimmy babe, what do you wanna call me?

James (still uninterested): I think I will call you zebra

Joyce: (smiling and kissing his cheek) ooh that sweet, why would you call me that?

James: because of your stretch-marks!!!!!!!!
***************

Teacher: why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strap of ur bra.
Teacher: GET OUT of the classroom for 1 week..
2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: why did u laugh?
Boy 2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT FOR 1 MONTH.
then the teacher bent down 2 pick up a piece of chalk,………..Little Johny started walking out.
Teacher: Johny, why are you going out?
Little Johny : Judging from what I just saw, I think my school days are over.
*****************************************

-Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
*****************************************

Charlie McCreevy announced today that VAT would definitely apply to the Penis because it provides a service.
The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it is in a hole.

On top of that it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective from January 1st 2011, a Penis will be taxed according to Size:
4--5" NUISANCE TAX
5--8" PRIVILEGE TAX
8--10" POLE TAX
10--12" LUXURY TAX
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
(PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION).

The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's penis is self-employed ?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

*****************************************

One day a 6 year old girl was
sitting in the classroom.
The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the
tree out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the
grass out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go out side and look up
and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few
minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't
see God because he isn't there.
The little girl spoke up and wanted
to ask the boy some questions.
Teacher agreed and she asked the
boy:
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the
tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the
grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of
the questions by this time)
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the
teacher?
Tommy: Yes
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she
doesn't have one?
Here’s a shout-out to all Pioneer Staff – keep up the morale – whether the lion thinks you are important or not.

*****************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.'And that's when the fight started ..

Wow…Naija Babes! Lots of swaaga!!!
FIRST BABE:

A babe told my friend she prefers London to United Kingdom . That’s why she has not been to UK

SECOND BABE:

A guy took a babe to a joint, she was asked if she wanted SHAWAMA but she declined saying “sorry I don’t take alcohol”

THIRD BABE:

A girl just announced to her boyfriend she had just graduated and he was happy and says “so what’s next? NYSC right! And she says no I don’t like that career path, it’s for medical personnel’s, there is too much biology there, that’s why I didn’t study it

FOURTH BABE:

A guy asked a babe if she would join him on a vacation to France, she said No, i would rather go to Paris my favourite holiday destination because of the 'HOT WINTER'

FIFTH BABE:

My friend said after having a full course meal with his new babe at a Chinesse restaurant, he asked her 'how was the main course? she happily replied i didnt perform very well in my main course because i refused to date my Lecturers from 100 level.


Mrs. Ajani said to her maid: "Oh Lizzy, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it," Lizzy snapped: "you're just saying that to make me jealous."
**

The Following Is Proof That The World Is Nuts...

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!


You've got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation


A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.


Have a life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!

UNTITLED
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.


-Urgent!!!!!! Warning for next THURSDAY !!!ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH NEXT THURSDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL BE SAFE ; I'M JUST PINGING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.


-On a radio phone-in program, there was this guy who presented his problem thus; Caller: There's this girl I've known for about 10 months now whom I really like. I've sent her flowers, called her as many times as possible in a day, everyday, told her sweet things most of it how I felt about her which was entirely true, tried everything to make her give me some attention but she just ignored me. I've moved on since then, though still single. Then about 4 months ago, I got a new job, bought a car and moved into a new apartment (my own apartment). I guess she got word of this because right now she wouldn't let me rest. She's filling my box with mails, my phone with sms messages and calls me like her father owns the network. Please advice me as I don't know what to do. This was the radio presenter's reply. Presenter: This is what you should do; when you get home on a Friday night, call her up to let her know you'll be coming to her place. Then you rest a while. When you feel you've had enough rest then take a bath. Put on some neat clothes. Get a bottle of your best perfume. Then drive over to her place. When you see her, pull her close and give her a very warm embrace. Softly whisper in her ears "Na God go punish you!" Then you take your leave.;)


FOR MY AMUSEMENT
I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role model. NO CHEATING. I was Really surprised to find out who my role model was. FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATHS BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!
1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down............. With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;




1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Werner Pieterse
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Ronald Reagan
8. Barrack Obama
9. Dianah Aigiomawu
10.John F. Kennedy

I know, I know.... I just have that amazing effect on people.
Please Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR FAVORITE, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!


UNTITLED
Guy to gym coach: I would like to impress a girl I intend taking out in a few days,which machine should I use?
Coach: u should try the ATM machine outside d gym.


SERIOUSLY!
Miss Piggy shamelessly chased after Kermit in muppet babies. Snow White lived with seven men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood a thief. Aladdin a pickpocket. Ariel traded her voice with a witch just so she could kiss some strange sailor. Maria of sound of music snatched another woman's fiancé. These are the stories our parents raised us with and yet they wonder where it all went wrong with our generation!





Post a Comment